Funny NEW Financial Terms

3M: Is now 2M.

401(k): Is now 201(k).

Alimony: Two person mistake paid by one.

Budget: Written proof that you can’t afford the things you want.

Bull: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked last quarter.

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO: Chief Fraud Officer

Diversification: Putting your money under more than one mattress.

Dow Jones: Is now Down Jones.

EBIT: Earnings before irregularities and tampering.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

Inheritance: Will-gotten gains.

Institutional Investor: Past year investor who is now locked up in a mental institute.

Liquidity: When you open your investment statement and wet your pants.

Loanation: Money given, typically to a close relative, which the provider considers a loan and which the recipient considers a donation.

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.

P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.

Quarter: A dollar, after taxes.

Social Security: A federally mandated pyramid scheme.

Standard and Poor (S&P): Your life in a nutshell.

Tax Refund: A tactic devised by politicians to give you back some of your own money in such a way that you are supposed to think it’s a gift.

Taxation: An art which consists of plucking the goose to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hiss. (Jean Baptiste Colbert)