Amazing New Discovery

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientist to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Funny NEW Financial Terms

3M: Is now 2M.

401(k): Is now 201(k).

Alimony: Two person mistake paid by one.

Budget: Written proof that you can’t afford the things you want.

Bull: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked last quarter.

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO: Chief Fraud Officer

Diversification: Putting your money under more than one mattress.

Dow Jones: Is now Down Jones.

EBIT: Earnings before irregularities and tampering.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

Inheritance: Will-gotten gains.

Institutional Investor: Past year investor who is now locked up in a mental institute.

Liquidity: When you open your investment statement and wet your pants.

Loanation: Money given, typically to a close relative, which the provider considers a loan and which the recipient considers a donation.

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.

P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.

Quarter: A dollar, after taxes.

Social Security: A federally mandated pyramid scheme.

Standard and Poor (S&P): Your life in a nutshell.

Tax Refund: A tactic devised by politicians to give you back some of your own money in such a way that you are supposed to think it’s a gift.

Taxation: An art which consists of plucking the goose to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hiss. (Jean Baptiste Colbert)